The first paragraph of a blog post should explain exactly what it's about. It should be as concise and informative as the first sentence in a Wikipedia article and definitely not give the reader the impression what follows is nothing more than the puerile dribblings of an idiot.
So I'll start by telling you about what I'm eating right now. 8 Tunnock's (notice the apostrophe) Caramels with a Lemsip.
8 Tunnock's Caramels with a Lemsip.
I'm feeling a bit rough with a throat that feels like its being grasped by Treebeard and swung on by 4 fat hobbits after second breakfast. My friend Steve says that zinc helps when feeling ill but all I have is a pack of 8 Tunnock's Caramels so that'll have to do.
Tunnock's Caramel Number 1: The first thing you notice about these things are how easy they are to eat. They're about the size of a Nokia 3310 but as soon as you put one in your mouth you've already melted half of it and are chewing on a mouthful of sweet sweet caramel. WHATUP SUGAR!
Tunnock's Caramel Number 2: The second wasn't as satisfying as the first, probably because of this fucking cold. The lemsip is doing it's job though and I'm feeling better already. I just don't think the chalky taste of lukewarm medicinal drink is a fine accompaniment to Uddingston's finest export.
Tunnock's Caramel Number 3: At this point I thought I'd compare the nutritional information from Tunnock's website to what's on the packet. http://www.tunnock.co.uk/carwafe-det.htm claims that each bar is 26.5 grams. Stop there. Look Tunnock, if that is your real name, you can't start lying as soon as someone clicks on your bloody website. I doubt the good people Uddingston are pleased with you going around The Internet lying to people about the weight of your chocolates.
Look at this picture. It CLEARLY shows each bar weighs a Net 30g
Tunnock's Caramel Number 4: Wait I hear you cry. That's a net weight of 30g. Maybe it includes the packet? Well no, after further investigation we have found further discrepancy with Mr Tunnock's claims. According to the packet each bar has 134Kcal and according to the website they have 120Kcal each, referring to the 26.5 weight. FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR LIES! This throws all other claims by Mr Tunnock, such as 4 million caramel wafers placed end to end = 2,300 miles, the distance from Glasgow to Cairo into doubt. Indeed with The Internet we can prove that the distance between Glasgow and Cairo is far too great rendering it impossible to calculate! So unless Mr Tunnock believes there isn't enough energy in the universe to count all the way up to 2,300 I'm calling him a creepy, lying, emulsified bastard.
Tunnock's Caramel Number 5: Checked the ingredients again. There's lecithin but no zinc.
Tunnock's Caramel Number 6: Starting to feel the burn now. You could probably polish off 6 of these things without too much hassle. This is why you're fat.
Tunnock's Caramel Number 7: Incredibly each bar is only 5.473684210526316% of my GDA for fat. Meaning i've only eaten 38.31578947368421% of the fat I'm allowed today if you discount the butter on the salad sandwich I had for lunch. With a renewed enthusiasm i go about my task. Haters be gone.
Tunnock's Caramel Number 8: The last one goes down without too much trouble. I can see why 5,000,000 of these biscuits are made and sold every week. Probably sold to 89,285 people who each eat 8 per day. I've just eaten 1072Kcals which is about the same as 2 Big Macs but with an increased risk of diabetes.
Next week I make myself a blog award out of 8 lion bars.
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